The Practical Uses of a Boyfriend

The other day I found a dusty copy of the iconic and classic “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” self-help guide by John Gray on my parent’s book shelf. I had been thinking about this book for a while, mostly at the back of my mind when my boyfriend cheesed me off and it seemed like a good resource either for answering why those creatures who have a penis speak in gobbility gook at times, or  at the very least the book could be an excellent weapon to piff at his head.

I open the holy text with quivering hands (not really) and blew the dust off the by gone era revealing a cover fit for discos in the 80’s – block colours, easy to read. To be honest I didn’t have to patience to read the book from the start and just flicked through with my internet-reading eyes. So you have been warned this is not a review or even a good overview because I read a total of two pages in text. What annoyed me about the book apart from the sweeping generationalisations – but then of course i’m a woman and we all know from Chapter seven that “women are like waves” – it seemed to neglect highlighting the practical uses of having a boyfriend/husband/creature with the penis.

A single friend of mine thinks that having a boyfriend is a pain, full of complications and arguments. All she hears from her partnered up friends are the problems and the drama that seems to come with it. “So why,” She said simply, “would I want a boyfriend?” Good question. Perhaps we have become too focused on the shit hitting the fan and reading self-help guides that we don’t remember the good stuff. Adios John Gray!   Here’s a simple list which I call the The Practical Uses of a Boyfriend.


The Practical Uses of  a Boyfriend by Shannon McKeogh

Contrary to popular belief, not all males are of stinky and odious nature (but some are). The best type of boyfriend is one who takes control of his odour and has a good and complete set of teeth. The boyfriend, aquired through a courting process perhaps through mutual friends or partying hard and hitting it off will, if agreed upon by both parties (essential, without may result in an AVO)  become your significant “other” and a bossom bud of the opposite sex. Boyfriends are full of practical purposes:

-The most obvious of these is physical and emotional affection which according to Maslow’s Theory is in the crucial part of the triangle. It’s up there with vegetables and fruit.

-They are required to be your plus one when attending social gatherings. This is especially useful when you don’t know many people at the party.

-Boyfriends, or at least the proper sort, listen to your crappy stories and poetry and must say that “it’s the best I’ve ever heard!” or “You really super awesome!” Generally they should be a bit of an ego booster or at the very least when words fail substitute chocolate instead of complimenting you.

– Boyfriends are great for drunken texts or phonecalls. Rather than ringing an old flame or new kindling the boyfriend will not judge or think you’re a bit of a freak with an unnatural fetish for Severus Snape.

-If anyone tries to attack you a boyfriend should fight them. Shirtless.

-On a stormy day they should be there to reinact The Notebook scene with you. Crucial.

– A boyfriend is useful for making you laugh and having a large selection of Dad jokes.


So please go off, be merry and respect your boyfriend. They are more than just a pretty face.



Filed under article, writing

3 responses to “The Practical Uses of a Boyfriend

  1. Phoebe

    HAHAHA OH GOD This is so good. I laughed so hard at that “or at least substitute with chocolate when words fail” line.

  2. Gem

    Shan, you should be a guru.
    If anyone asks me out, I’m making them sign that list!

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