It’s funny that whenever I try and clean I find something that distracts me, a story or photo that takes me back. Cleaning a computer hard-drive up is no different as I have used a computer since I was eight. I’m like a possum marking my territory with my piss with the amount of stuff I leave around, in kilobitess, megabites or that plain ol’ physical matter.
I found this story in a computer folder called “Shan’s junk” and it made me laugh. It’s pretty silly but I thought I would share, I wrote it back in 2006 when I was the rotten age of 16.
A town called Chutney
Chutney is one of those towns that you stop in, use their dodgy toilets, mutter and shake your head about the red necks and get the hell out of there. It has nothing appealing to anyone and is more of a breeding ground with shanty houses than an actual town. Everyone is related and slightly retarded with a population of 287 which is increased each leap year (it’s a proven fact that all condoms in Chutney expire on the leap year)
What makes Chutney? It has a post office, general store, petrol station, barber shop, grocery store and of course a following of Christians and their spiritual church. The biggest party in Chutney was in 2002, when the whole town was brought together to see the thousandth tumble-weed to pass through the main street. One person wooed, the others tried to get pissed on grape seed oil as alcohol is an illegal substance in Chutney. The local newspaper “Chunks Daily” is fiction and the continuous scandals are an accepted fact of inter breeding, “it’s about survival” -Father Crisp.
There is of course one thing that separates Chutney from being just another red-neck town and that is the local drug ring. The drug ring includes the outcasts and non-conformists of Chutney. Unfortunately due to low funding and low key contacts in the drug ring they have had to resort to the next best illegal substance in Chutney, Pokemon cards. They were banned at the primary school due to gambling problems (the principal’s). Each Tuesday afternoon the local drug ring meet – all three of them. They are Frankly Hommus, Stella Atoris and Candle Camelback.
Frankly Hummus resembles a stool. He is short, stubby, and constantly wears a tuxedo that doesn’t fit him. His hair is black and he is scared of goldfish. Frankly is a pessimistic, he is also having a casual sex affair with Stella Atoris. He writes bad poetry.
Stella Atoris resembles a broom, constantly straight up and down and wears a dress that looks like curtains. Stella permanently has a kettle in her hand – ready for making tea. She speaks her thoughts aloud, although these are usually related to making tea and exploding balloons. They are her main worries and delights.
Candle Camelback looks like a lamp. She wears a lampshade over her head to promote the injustice of lampshades in our unforgiving world. Candle is a universal person who cares for items that have been used and then discarded. She wears the same clothes, a t shirt branding the slogan “Lamp heaven or eternal hell? Its your choice.”
There are other interesting characters in Chutney who have a small connection to the local drug ring. There is Freedy de Fabio, who is the dealer and supplier of the ring but only due to the group knowing his great big secret (which is fairly obvious anyways) – that he is gay. The group threatened to tell the whole town, which would be a crisis for his barber shop which he owns and styles the hairdos of the macho (and very homophobic) men of Chutney. Freedy has the face of a walrus, gut like a donut and body like a dolphin. His great quest in life is to be a back-up dancer for Britney Spear.
The drug ring naturally has an arch enemy, Father Crisp, who is leader of a club of his own – “Drug busters” complete with twelve other pure christens, to crack down this rumoured drug ring. Father Crisp is at a ripe age of immortality and is the priest and mentor of Chutney. He also fixes the coke machine on Monday’s. But deep down he also has a secret, when the town is sleeping (generally after the repeated episode of CSI: Miami at 10.30pm) Father Crisp likes dressing up as an elf. He is also doing internet course to learn Elfish.